When and how will the Resistance resist?

Toryland is occupied. The high priests of Brexitism have seized power and they claim to have the people behind them. While some are more fanatical than others, they all share a faith, pure and unwavering, in the panacea that is Brexit, the solution to every ill. Brexit will bring a thousand years of prosperity: you just have to believe.

There are disagreements within Brexitism, the softies and the hardies, while each day has its own prevailing version of the “Deal”. Sometimes the Gooddealers are in the ascendancy, the ones who favour “Jaw, jaw” over “War, war”. So long as he remembers which side he is on, the Blond Bojo is their standard-bearer, while behind him stands the sinister Goveatollah, who is rumoured never to go out without his stiletto. Then there are the Nodealers, with the always predictably unpredictable IDS-eologue at their head. “Don’t talk”, he barks, “Walk away. We are better off on our own in our own private universe.” From a different universe entirely comes the Nodealer Time Lord himself, Dr Mogg, tipped as a Prime Minister of Toryland in the future, but a man whose time machine can only steer in reverse.

The Prime Minister is the May Queen, a virtual hostage in Number 10, her every utterance combed over for its adherence to Brexitist orthodoxy. So afraid is she of offending the high priests of Brexit that she has at times allowed a mechanical Maybot to take her place, especially when she has been subjected to that gruesome form of public torture known as the Interview. She remains in office but not in power, living on a diet of vichyssoise and Vichy water, only because the Brexitists tolerate her and because no-one can think of anyone else to do the job. The most plausible alternative is the spokesperson of Brexitism, known as DavDav, but he has trouble deciding what sort of a Dealer he is.

And then there is the Toryland Resistance, vilified by the Brexitists for pessimism, lack of patriotism, treason and being “enemies of the people”. They are not believers, and therefore they deserve the punishment reserved for infidels, such is the reign of terror that extreme Brexitists are trying to launch, especially using their mass circulation pamphlet the Waily Wail. The Resistance has many sympathisers but few protagonists, apart from The Griever, The Soubster and Morgana, and of course the magnificently fearless Clarkeosaurus Ken, whose days may be numbered but who is determined to live them out gloriously.

Toryland remains the dominant power but only just. It benefits, if that is the right word, from its alliance with the small state of DUP-li-City, a people whose speech emerges not so much from their mouths as from their throats, whose strange beliefs include a predilection for oranges and a dislike of greenery. Their most extreme dislike of all is reserved for Potpourri. Their unusual version of Brexitism involves the drawing of red lines in mutually contradictory places, so that their alliance with Toryland is fragile and likely to be short-lived. But it is only DUP-li-City who are keeping Toryland’s traditional enemy, Labouria, at bay.

Meanwhile Labouria is itself occupied territory. The days of New Labouria are over, its forces overwhelmed by The Movementum, whose slogan “Out with the new, in with the old – and the older the better” has gathered extraordinary levels of popular support. The Movementum cleverly installed a front man, The Corbuncle, beneath a clever cloak of apparent ineffectiveness. New Labourians grossly underestimated his popular appeal, allowing him to take up the position of Supreme Leader, from which they have been totally unable to oust him.

At the head of the sinister tribe of The Movementum is Mack the Knife, whose ambition is to rule a Marxist state modelled on Venezuela, heedless of the ruination that such a course would lead to. He is backed by legions of fanatical fellow-believers in Marxist orthodoxy. Amongst them are the enforcers who will stop at nothing in their employment of threats and intimidation. Any Labourians found guilty of wrongthought are seriously at risk of being subjected to the hideous surgical procedure known as Deselection.

The Labourian Resistance movement probably has a greater number of prominent adherents than its Toryland counterpart. Amongst them are The Chucker, The Cooper, Jessie and The Twin Eagles, but they are very quiet. Is it because they believe The Corbuncle will deliver the ascendancy that Labourians crave, almost at any price? Or is it because of the culture of fear that surrounds them as their every move is watched? Other potential Resistance members have retreated from the fray, either becoming chieftains of their own city states or even hunkering down as curators of museums. Meanwhile in Labouria there is a firm determination to have no discernible opinion on the subject of Brexitism. The closest Labourians get to a view on Brexitism is to formulate a clear policy on Cake. Labourians wish to have their Cake and to eat it.

So what of the unoccupied territories? Apart from the tiny eco-paradise known as Greenland, still there remain the determinedly free peoples of Libdemeration Island. No Brexitism for them, either hard or soft. However, their power is much diminished by their losses following their 5-year alliance with Toryland. The Islanders try to reach beyond their borders through Cable TV, but not many seem to be listening, such is the Toryland fear of a Labourian takeover and vice versa.

Does anything unite the three powers of Toryland, Labouria and Libdemeration? They have united in their opposition to Gnats, especially the Scottish variety, while several species of fish have found themselves opposed by their united forces. The influence of the Sturgeon has been sharply reduced, while the Salmon has been reduced to perhaps unwisely throwing in its lot with the notoriously omnivorous Russian bear. Meanwhile the u-Kipper has almost been made extinct.

Is there any chance of the shackles of occupation being thrown off? Might the Resistance movements of Toryland and Labouria make common cause with the free peoples of Libdemeration Island? Given the risks they would run, how many of the Resistance members will be prepared to act publicly? When and how will the Resistance resist?

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out — because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out — because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” (Martin Niemöller)